Wednesday, May 7, 2014

go ahead & feel it: birthdays, mother's day...

baby's first birthday!
second birthday!
mother's day!
happy, happy, joy, joy!
celebration time, baby!
or… not.
or just kinda?
mixed emotions.
ranging from grateful to make this f'ing day end.
heck, make the weeks leading up to it fast forward.
make it all go away.
but -wait, don't.
please don't.
i have so much to celebrate and be grateful for.

this mix of emotions can bring on the guilt.
oh, that painful, gonna choke you if you don't find a way to silence it momma guilt.
pain on days when we *should* be all "Yayness!" make our heads spin and hearts feel as though they will split.
as "everyone else" is having a ball we are frozen or sorrowful or something we *shouldn't* be.
and "they" say that is fine, but don't mean it.
how can a momma NOT be happy on mother's day?
how can you not be all yip yip yippee for a child's birthday?
ummmm…. pretty easily.
lost a child?
i have not, but i can only imagine on mother's day on there is a level a pain i can't quite even begin to fathom.
suffering from depression/ bipolar/ suicidal/ cutting/ all the above/ or just picking a few from the mental health issues a la carte menu?
yeah, mother's day can be fraught with emotions they don't have words for.
and a birthday?
man, you throw a party and think you will physically crumble into pieces because it is so hard.

i am here to tell you the truth - it is ok.
sucks, but it is ok.
you are normal.
your feelings are valid
you are not the only one.
if you are reading his - you are a survivor.
and THAT is something to celebrate.
don't think you are worthy of celebrating?
well, simply put, that is crap.
oh, yes you are.
get out of bed this morning?
MAJOR accomplishment.
not get out of bed, but kept breathing and fighting for the will to live?
seriously - good job, sweets.
mulch your front yard and re-screen two windows?
rock on.
enjoy your day?
small victories and huge victories are still victories.
signs of grace.

the expectations of certain days add to the pain and guilt.
strip it.
you need mother's day as a day you self care by weeping and feeling the pain and disappointment?
do it.
these things - postpartum depression, loss, etc - NOT the way it is all supposed to be.
so, it hurts.
it's a fallen world.
sin, disease, suicidal thoughts, not bonding with your baby, self harm… they hurt.
sometimes they hurt so bad they knock the wind out of you.
how could it not?
how do we expect someone going through hell to be "happy"?
we forget it is a fallen world.
we forget that tragedy and mental illness - they have no boundaries.
no one is off limits.
the reality of that can be brutal.
much easier to pretend it's not there or have a "won't happen to me" attitude.
not only is that unhelpful to the hurting around you - it is unhelpful to those trying to convince themselves of that.
it's easy and all fun & games until you are the one with intrusive thoughts or self harming or in the psych ward or on a therapist's couch or drinking the pain away in secret.

this mother's day - think of the hurting mommas.
a momma checked in with me last year who herself had suffered from ppd.
she said she remembered watching all the other moms in yayness mode (my term) and it was hard.
she wasn't in that zone.
her sharing that made an impact on me.
i wasn't the only one.
it was actually ok to hurt and cry and be angry about and grieve the nasty place i was last year.
it eased the blow of the day.
put to death some of the millions of lies of was believing.

and if you are one of these struggling mommas -
you are an incredible momma even if you have PPD.
even if you need help to do the basics.
even if you feel as distant as it gets from your kids.
see - you are ill, momma.
and that illness is making you - not yourself.
but even still -  YOU are the perfect momma for your littles.
You are who they need and want.
You are who they adore and think are THE most beautiful woman in the whole world.
yes, YOU.
YOU matter oh so much more than you realize.
depression indeed is a lying bastard who is straight from the pit of hell & wants you to feel worthless and believe that your family is better off without you.
those are L-I-E-S.
i believed them with all i was, so i am throwing down my been there done that card to tell you - you are wrong.
it is not true.

mommas who are sorrowful, on the edge, grieving, hurting, struggling with rage for dayz, pharmacy didn't contact my doctor to fill my meds before the weekend and now i'm all whoa, numb…
happy mother's day, darlings.
you are loved.
you are not forgotten.
and from the bottom of my heart - i am sorry you are hurting and this is hard.
emotions were made by God - they are not sin contrary to way too many popular (false) teachings.
you hurting and being sorrowful and grieving for what is lost - no sin.
and no judgement from this chick.

1 comment:

  1. I love that you write directly into these moms hearts. They need to read these words. xo