Thursday, January 9, 2014

.rebuilding after the worst of ppd.

personal post. sharing because i know i'm no different than other ladies walking through the same thing. the lie of "it's just me" is too powerful and destructive for silence. and the aftermath of suicidal ideation and self-harm is messy, messy, messy... i hope this helps those on the outside of depression looking in gain a teeny bit of understanding. please keep in mind- everyone is different - this is just my experience.

we did family photos.
i got Christmas cards out.
i did our annual family photo book.
took the oldest two girlies through a local light display thing.
yeah, last year.
this year - not so much.
i keep asking myself - how did i get all that done last year and not this year?!!??!?
i suppose auto-pilot?
or part of trying to seem as "well" and "normal" as possible?
the guilt has been eating me up this year.
so much i didn't do.
didn't get to.
and it hit me - recovering from where i was is no joke.
the worst part of the storm is over.
but, it demolished just about everything in some way.
i feel as though i am in the "rebuilding phase" of depression (i just made that up).
a bad episode of paranoia here and a little gonna have a panic attack there.
and being overwhelmed, but on steroids all.the.time. and the physical aspect that goes with that.
what do i do with that?
what does my life look like now?
what am i supposed to do?
95% i can get through the day without it being all i can do to survive - thank you, Lord.
i don't even remember what else i used to do.
i look around and... whoa.
the laundry.
the homework.
the home projects i started and had to bail on.
meal plans.
the home projects looooong past due.
and those are the easy things.
those issues that had to tabled because i was in no condition to make serious decisions.
my faith. (which really is it's own 100 part blog series)
what/who/where is my community?
what do i think community even means now?
these things are much more difficult - even thinking about them is difficult.
one step at a time.
sometimes a step forward, sometimes a step back.
and i think it's completely normal.
working on getting me better is number one.
my saint of a husband and 4 amazing girlies - number one.
so, this holiday season that meant doing a gingerbread house.
(full disclosure: glued the graham crackers on the box because i ran out of time to affix with frosting. "do NOT eat the graham crackers!!!" was a common refrain here during december.)
and it meant Christmas crafts with the girls.
decorating less to keep my sanity, which makes for a happy hubby.
wrapping with my oldest girl.
teacher gifts.
sitting in the dark with only the Christmas tree lights on and enjoying.
i'm learning it is hard and rather time consuming day to day.
and it flat out takes a long time.
and it means not getting to things you want to, love to do, and used to do.
but also means i am down to the essentials.
and as i rebuild i try to add on one essential after the other.
simplicity, IMHO, is a lost art; so this is a good thing.
a really good thing.
please note: i do not do this perfectly - far from it.
i can still get rather distracted by non essentials or put it on myself to add stuff that just doesn't matter frankly.
and i try to do "self-care".
perhaps better put - try to understand what self-care looks like for me.
so, i still need to get our family photos done.
and i still need to get our photo book done.
but, Christmas cards... um, yeah, look for 'em Christmas 2014!


  1. Kel, I went through a period of PPD after Autumn and it included Christmas. It was hard...that's an understatement. Anyway, the result of that 2 Christmases later: I just don't get to as much and I don't care. I do what I can, but not nearly as much. You are correct when you say simplicity is a lost art, and it's one I'm trying desperately to cultivate. I guess I'm just saying that things changed that year and haven't ever gone back- and it has been good. Love you.

  2. Don't believe what you see in magazines and online. I don't understand why people (even the "normal" ones) go all out during the holidays. Keep is simple and enjoy gluing shit to boxes.
    I'm glad that you're making small strides and can see that for yourself. It's not always an easy thing to observe about yourself when you've been stuck in the dark for far too long. small strides are strides nonetheless. Keep trucking and doing what you can. xo

  3. Love you, friend. Thanks for sharing a glimpse.