.wanna know how it feels? like the hulk.

it has been hard lately.

somethings are on the upswing other things are just full on not.

i have been trying to think of how to describe how i feel.

what it is like.

i feel taken over.

racing thoughts.

can't process or figure things out.

everything is too much & really loud.

and it builds and builds and builds.

this afternoon this scene came to mind.

i LOVED this show back in the day.

seriously, i will never watch the movie because my heart belongs to the tv show. 

so here you go, folks.

for better or for worse, at times this is how ppd can make some of us feel.

i know it impacts us all differently - not putting this on anyone. 

just know some of my fellow mommas out there struggle with this beast of depression are tracking. 

and btw - no, i am not going to go out and flip our minivan, so don't email my hubby.

although - for rizzle - i probs could've today.

and ps - please see the humor in this post.

ppd is pretty ridiculous in the way it can make you so not yourself.

you just have to laugh a bit about it. 

.covered in marks of madness, but choosing to believe God makes things new.

covered in marks of madness, but choosing to believe God makes things new. ~jamie tworkowski/ to write love on her arms (twloha)

the.
perfect.
quote.

i don't think i have read a quote about cutting that so perfectly sums up the loooong healing process/ attempts to stop for me.
be encouraged, dear sweet fellow self-harm suffers.
we may have the marks of our madness, but we are more than that.
new.
hard to believe...

.a little note to the husband folk.

hey guys!
i know some of you lurk, so i wanted to say a little somethin'-somethin' to you.
well, more than one thing.
in no order - except #1.
*first - your wife loves you.
in all her crazy glory - she loves you.
when she is in full blown rage ready to tear the roof off your house - she loves you.
or when she tells you she doesn't have anything to live for anymore - she loves you.
*second, it is not you.
well, maybe a little bit (more on that in a moment).
but for the most part - it is NOT you.
so do not get all defensive with her, k?
*third, GET YOUR WIFE SOME HELP, YO!
seriously.
postpartum depression is REAL.
you know your woman - you know when she is not herself and something is just off.
get your head out of the sand.
or stop listening to people telling you it is normal life with X # of kids/ her sin/ whatever kind of crap people are dishing out to you.
you know her best.
or maybe you just need to accept that your wife is ill.
that one is hard.
accept it, move on & get her help.
you miss her, right?
you want your wife back?
well, DO something.
*fourth, YOU are her advocate.
she cannot get better without you.
brushing teeth = hard & maybe not getting done.
so how do you expect her to find a dr, contact insurance, set up baby-sitting, etc by herself?
she needs you.
*fifth, protect her.
this kinda falls under advocate.
shield her from unhelpful people.
words destroy when you have ppd.
protect her from unhelpful situations.
*support what is best for her - not what you want.
ppd is messy.
shakes stuff up.
support her going on medication if her doctor feels it will, oh i don't know, make her not want to huer herself.
don't pretend you know better than her doctor.
don't add stigma to your wife.
medication is a means of grace.
support her going to therapy/ counseling.
*sixth, you need to sacrifice.
sacrifice peace & call her doctor if you are worried about her behavior/ moods.
i can attest it is not  good times in the moment, BUT a husband who makes those calls & sacrifices - a wife appreciates.
sacrifice your time.
guys, do not leave your suicidal wife alone while you go out.
that means you keep your butt at home & skip guys night or a game or a work trip or skip 30 guys nights.
seriously.
*seventh, TAKE HER SERIOUSLY.
you know what is the worst?
having to convince people you are not well.
or that you want to die.
you get to a point where you are simply like - forget it.
and for me at least - there is a list.
it's basically - if you do not believe i am sick, you are saying this is just me.
& i ain't got time for that.
husbands, don't be on that list.
believe her - even if you do not understand.
you do not need to understand.
you need to believe, love & act.
*eighth, follow her cues.
do NOT let someone tell you not to.
it is not loving leadership to blow off where your wife is & just charge ahead cause you know best.
you need to see where she is, understand her, know her.
if you add on.
push her too much.
you are going to make it worse & possibly lose your trust with her.

listen guys, this is NOT easy for you or her.
you need to be on the same team.
this is where you live with your wife in an understanding way.
this is where you put her first.
this is where you are gentle & patient with her.
it's living out your faith in new ways.
it is HARD.

bottom line, love your wife & help her thru.
& on the other side - you get your wifey back.
fyi - she misses herself even more than you do.

you got this.

disclaimer: i am not a medical professional - yadda, yadda, yadda.

.happy one year, darling.

i didn't think i would make it.
i honestly didn't think i'd be here to see it.
but here i am.
and here you are.
you are one year old today, darling girl.
we made it.
this year marked with hellish darkness is over.
momma is still oh so far from all better.
and the darkness continues to loom.
but i am here.
celebrating you.
your precious life.
the Lord has sustained me in the hard to see your little self grow.
you, sweet girl, are worth the fight.
you are a joy.
a bright spot in this seemingly endless dark night.
i don't remember much of this past year.
somehow depression seems to rob you of memories.
or perhaps it is the medication.
or a mix of the two.
and it grieves me to the core.
your daddy pointed out to me i still have time.
memory making is not over with you.
and he pointed something else out - even if i do not remember much - it still happened.
(he is a smart & wonderful man.)
i rocked you.
and sang to you.
and held you.
and kissed you.
and talked to you.
and breathed you in.
and loved on you.
and gazed at you.
and watched you sleep.
and i felt that tiny hand grasp my pinky for the first time.
and i saw your first smile.
and i heard your first word - "mama".
i was there.
and it all happened.
a year of you.
and i have held you more than i did any of your sisters.
(don't tell them, please.)
because i have wanted so desperately for you to know i love you & adore you.
despite my not being well.
i have needed you to know you are wanted & i'd go through it all again to have you, sweet girl.
and here is something else you need to know - you are going to move mountains one day.
i can only imagine the glorious things to come for you.
i will keeping fighting with all i am because i don't want to miss any of it.
words cannot express how precious you are to me.
happy first birthday, little one.
i love you with all my heart.

.Guest Post: self-care vs. selfishness.

this is a guest post from a wonderful, brave woman walking the difficult road of depression.

Before confronting my depression, my health was usually put last. We all do this, but especially as moms we put the needs of everyone above taking care of ourselves. Understandable when there are constant demands from little people. I know. I get it. Then we add in the guilt factor as Christians believing this is what serving looks like. You know, "God first, others second, me third." Right. But we talk this to mean we should never prioritize our health because its selfish. So I've been studying scripture and find that stewardship and selfishness are very different. For sake of simplicity let me define, selfishness = harmful to self and others. stewardship = benefits self and others. I've heard it said like this: on an airplane, before takeoff, you're told to place the oxygen mask on yourself first, so that you are able to then assist others. So when you steward your health (mental, physical, spiritual) in self-care, you are benefiting others. Not selfishness. Let me say that again, not selfish - stewarding the one mind, body and soul God has entrusted you with.
 
It wasn't until I began taking my depression seriously that I saw the absolute necessity of self-care. I used to think that women who took care of themselves just had more time. They were superwomen who could accomplish everything on their to-do list AND care for themselves. Now self-care IS MY ENTIRE TO-DO LIST. Why? Because I have been fully convinced of the effect of my overall health and its effects on my depression in my brain. So the constant forced question that I'm re-training head in is: "have you taken care of yourself yet?" For me, my self-care to-dos include rest, showering, eat every two hours, brush teeth, rest, 20 minute workout, hydrating, reading scripture, dressing, vitamins and did I say rest? Here is a great article written by a psycholgist on health benefits effecting depression and metal health (http://potomacgrovepsychiatry.com/blog1/2012/05/17/recovery-from-depression-improving-your-health/) Let me put it plainly: given the choice between taking nap or doing house choirs - nap wins, getting kids dressed or myself dressed - I get dressed first, feeding family or eating myself - I eat first... you get the idea. Not that caring for others doesn't happen cause it does somehow, even if I need to call in help - which I often do now - but I prioritize self-care as most urgent. And there is no guilt. Because it would be selfish and harmful NOT to care for my health and wellness. Because I've seen result of back seating my health and how that effects my family and its just not pretty. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So ladies, take self-care seriously. Though it isn't a cure all - as if I do all these things I'll never be depressed - but it is a big piece of the puzzle of getting better.

.hey, christians, self-esteem is not a dirty word.

i have like a million things i could blog on.
buuttttt..... weaning off meds is not going so hot.
filters are way gone.
so it's just wise to stay a bit on the quiet side here.

i have been trying to take care of my self.
i suppose the technical phrase is "self-care".
because i've been a mom for 7 years it's like, "um, i don't even remember how to just take care of me."
added complication is hating to leave the house most days because it makes me flip sometimes.
but it is actually much more than that.

see, "self esteem" is a dirty word in some christian circles.
it is seen as prideful.
selfish.
giving glory to yourself & not the Lord.
dude, no.
obviously, it totally can be.
anything good can be bad, right?
track with me here...

when you are beat over the head that you are this awful sinner.
and the FLIP side of that (aka GRACE, GRACE, GRACE) is not beat into your head as well...
well, you get issues.
when you are told you deserve hell.
you are doing better than you deserve.
over & over & over.
and not over & over & over the flip of - BUT HOLLA!!!!!!!
the veil was torn!
the tomb is empty -
HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!
you get issues.
when you are sin sniffed.
"reported on" by your small group leader, friends, pastors, church greeters, etc...
when you are given observation after observation.
yes, you get issues.

you lose sight of who you are.
your identity "in Christ" becomes a tag on after you get beat down with what a [screw] up you are as a christian, wife, momma, friend.
no.
i vote no more bookends of "i love you"
you are suuuuuch an awful sinner - let me point it all out to you.
end bookend, "i love you. unity in the gospel. yay."

people, this is not love.
first off, you are NOT the holy spirit, k?
second, yeah, it's just not helpful to hurting people.

when you are beat down with this - as way too many women in the church are -
you ruin them.
it''s very simple.
you make it all worse.
how can you not try to be a "stepford wife" to avoid it all?
i did.
i sucked at it.
:)
obviously.
those that don't live up to certain standards - extra biblical AND biblical - have a price to pay.
and it is not just from the Lord.
it is from pastors and friends in some circles.

we are called to love the hurting.
not fix them.
weep with those who weep?
right?
not make them stop weeping.
apply a formula & if they don't follow - obviously they are just in sin.
NO.
we are to love the unlovely.
brother or sister in sin - love 'em.
brother or sister in pain - love 'em.

i am a hot mess right now.
but guess what - God loves me anyway.
and i have a hot husband who does too.
(side note: 9 years & 4 months of marriage today! woot-woot!)
and daughters who somehow think i am "the most glittery mommy evers".
and friends who are... beyond description.

i struggle to know not even just how to take care of myself.
but if i am honest - if i even should.
is it selfish?
is it prideful?

well, guess what - having self esteem is a good thing.
because the more i get who i am, who God sees me as.
the more i am brave.
confident.
a fighter.
then i can fight this beast of depression that seems hell bent on destroying me.
and i know full well the bravery & strength it is not coming from me.
left to myself i would have already taken my life.
fact.
no, it is God.
He is sustaining me, strengthening me.
i am in Him.

if we have put our faith in Christ and trusted Him for forgiveness of our sins - why keep harping on that?
all.the.time. to those hurting?
it makes zero sense.
let me look for your sin when all you can see is what a horrible person you are & want to die.
awesome.
good idea.

harp on the forgiveness part.
the underserved love that is there.
that you are never left.
that you are adored.
you have not been forsaken even if it seems you have.
"God would rather cease than cease to be faithful" ~charles spurgeon.

ladies, and i'm talking to myself 1st & foremost here, it is good to take care of yourself.
so you can get better.
say you can't cut it right now & need help.
(pride buzz kill alert.)
you need to self-care.
it looks diff for us all.
BUT God loves us so deeply.
we are esteemed.
by Him.
so viewing yourself as worthy, esteemed, of value.
not just this nasty sinner.
you are embracing the real Gospel.
it sees the really GOOD NEWS.

i want my daughters to be strong.
smart.
loving.
selfless.
brave.
fearless.
kind.
full of wonder.
adventurers.
secure in themselves.
having good, healthy self-esteem.
not because they are vain.
BUT because of who they are.
daughters of the Most High.
remembering what He did.
hearts full of gratefulness for the cross.
but eagerly looking at the empty tomb.
looking at where Jesus is now - interceding for them at the right hand of the Father.

that is good stuff.
and as mommas we need to remember this for ourselves too.
remember who you are.
esteemed and valuable.
and it's not bad to relish in that.
it is a gift.
and it is simply amazing.

*not saying forget your sin.
not saying don't bring correction where needed at the right time.
yadda, yadda, yadda.

.brain dump: tuesday morning version.

brain dump: tuesday morning version. (i just made that up because it is tuesday and it is morning.)
if anyone actually reads all this - you get the prize.
lack of sleep, up all night ramblings.

*insomnia is a sign of ppd.
i have the neon sign version tonight.
*some days are really, really hard.
difficult & socially not so awesome easter was one of those.
BUT that is why Jesus came.
not so i can wear a pretty easter dress (& i do love me a pretty dress)
but because i'm a mess.
empty tomb says i'm forgiven.
faith in Him, even if i'm a hot mess right now - saved.
*i cannot even express how much i want my darkness to be used.
and not just "for good" in theory.
BUT to help other women in the darkness.
*sometimes i feel like this:

and can i just say how fab this woman is?
she looks like a lady doing this.
and i heart her outfit.
NOTE: i will not be bashing cars on the road.
or anywhere else, k?
i'm just bring real.
who hasn't wanted to do that at some point?
see, i am angry i have depression.
that it is still here.
that it did not have to get this low.
again, i will not be hitting cars.
no red alerts. :)
*my 3 year old gives the best quotes.
ever.
and makes me laugh when as the momma i shouldn't.
you know, because i should be teaching her whatever she just said isn't really appropriate.
like ever.
but i love that about her so very much.
someone who can make you belly laugh often is a gift.
*it is amazing what movie quotes you remember from 20 years ago.
*my 6 year old is the most tender girlie i have ever met.
i am on the receiving end often.
my little bear makes this little mother bear melt.
she is just what i need.
*today i am 35.

i loooove birthdays.
mine, anyones.
i mean, i was the rare gal who was really excited to turn 30.
but this birthday is hard.
birthdays are celebrating life.
happy things.
i'm just existing most days.
not a ton to celebrate.
or maybe just not what i'm typically celebrating.
which bums me out.
because ***selfish alert*** i typically view my birthday like it's a national holiday.
or maybe i'm in a mid-life crisis?
*my 7 year old is smart and kind.
too smart.
she has been giving me a gift a day for a few days.
handmade things from bookmarks to a tied quilt.
i mean what 7 year is beside herself to celebrate someone else?
a kind, loving girlie.
i love our talks.
love.
*weaning down meds has been difficult.
no fun.
you don't realize just how much they were doing till they are not there, ya know?
but, Lord willing, this will lead to the right thing.
and that will be awesome.
*my little joy will turn 1 year this month.
i think i will be that mom weeping when she does.
i have done my mommying so different with her.
in part cause she is #4.
in part cause the ppd.
in part cause she is our last.
and i am completely in love with her.
i've said it before, but need to say it again - she is worth every bit of this.
*i really have an amazing support system.
so needed with ppd.
in life really.
but especially now.
family & friends are grace in ways you never expect.
*my husband is my hero.
and that is not being cutesy.
he is.
in sickness & in health.
he loves me.
it is clear.
i am one blessed lady.
it has been hard on the man and he is still just as amazing as always.
i love you, babe.